So, my friend Katie has this expression where she says “[someone's name here], everbody!”. Like she’s MCing a show and the person in question just got off the stage after doing whatever schtick they do that makes them them. So, whenever I say something equal parts inane, inappropriate and nonsensical, she’ll say “Jeremy, everbody!”, because, hey, that’s Jeremy! (Everybody).

And, as we’ve seen before, since I have zero compunctions about stealing someone else’s catchphrase I’ve grown to using it myself.

What does any of this have to do with anything? Well, courtesy of Jeff (who brought this to my attention) and whomever posted it on their site originally, and, of course, whoever the douchebag in the picture is, I present to you:

Jessica Smith, everybody!

Now, as the “Unofficial Site of Jessica Smith’s Boobs” you can expect this kind of high quality faire, but I have a couple of issues with this. To whit:

1. Pacifico? First off, Pacifico sucks. (So does Corona, but that’s another post for another day). I’m not going to get in to ethnic slurs here (and oh, how I do love a good ethnic slur!) but Pacifico is absolutely horrible. If you’re going to underaged-ly give a Mexican beer bottle domers, at least make it something respectable, like a Negro Modelo or, at worst, a Dos Equis or something. Sheesh. I know they were probably barely out of junior high when they did this, but someone needs to give these Laguna Beach kids a lesson on beer, and stat.
2. She’s got one, maybe two inches up in there?! (Jeremy, everybody!). Now, granted, she’s probably all of fifteen, but still, this is America! We should take pride in our workmanship. Or workwomanship. Or hummers. Whatever, you get the point. And the point is, relax the throat muscles, baby. It won’t bite!
3. Who’s the tool with his arm around her? Is that “Sam”, the ambigiously gay surfer dude that Jessica was in love with in the middle of season 2? Whoever he is, I sure hope he finds a barber soon. And puberty. That might suit him as well. (If it is him, it’d be the upset of the year as he’d knock off Dieter from Season One, for the coveted “kid on Laguna Beach who most looks like his sack hasn’t dropped yet” award)
4. JUST LOOK AT ‘EM! I MEAN REALLY! LOOK AT ‘EM! YOU CAN’T LOOK AWAY! PUT A WILTED FLOWER BY JESSICA SMITH’S BOOBS AND IT BLOOMS! FEEL THE POWER OF THE BREASTS!
5. These sorts of “candid” pics are apparently all over the web. Go, loyal JeremyAbramson.com™ minions, and fetch me more pictures of mock-reality show celebrities performing felatio on alcoholic beverage containers. Fly! Fly like the wind!

But really Jess, if you’re out there, please contact me. We should chill. Trust me. I know what to do with a Corona bottle. Heh.