I am the proud owner of a lovely 15” G4 Powerbook, named Norrin. For reasons so boring they make the story of saving money at the Gap seem like news of a leaked sex tape staring the cast of Laguna Beach, I am/was considering selling it in order to upgrade to the newer Intel-based powerbooks. (Trust me. You really don’t want me to get into this).

So, as is the average person’s wont when they want to sell something, I put an ad up on Craig’s List. This ad was reasonable, and my asking price was fair ($1700), given the cost of these new, upcoming powerbooks. I received the following response to my advert:

hi I can give you $500 for the Apple 15″ Powerbook (latest G4
edition), 1.67ghz, Superdrive, is this ok?

Now, I was a little wary right off the bat, since they’d used the subject/title of my ad; “15″ Powerbook (latest G4 edition), 1.67ghz, Superdrive”. I thought that perhaps it was some spambot, sending out all sorts of responses, waiting for replies and then sticking the [presumably active] e-mail addresses on a spam list. After closer examination of the e-mail address the response came from, I figured it was a real person. I responded thusly:

$500?

Did you mean $1500?

J.

I figured that was a decent response. Short, and to the point. Apparently, my faith in humanity is a little excessive. His response:

no way, thats alot I mean $500

Having had quite enough of this little charade, I fired back with

You’re clinically insane.

Good luck.

J.

Hey, I figured I was being charitable. This person obviously has a tenuous, at best, grip on reality, and I was wishing them luck in someday returning to planet Earth. Apparently I didn’t have a complete view of the gravity of the situation.

no sorry its just that my grandma broke her leg

As Katie Hall would say, “Check please!” Of course, I would never say that. I would say something more along the lines of the following…

I know. I feel really bad about that. She said she wanted to get
freaky at the club…I thought she could handle that. Tell her I’ll
call her soon.

J.

Now, I know all of you JeremyAbramson.com™ readers totally get — and appreciate, I’m sure — my special brand of cunning wit, but I guess the Internet community at large is a little behind the times. Hey, aren’t all geniuses misunderstood in their lifetime?

huh? I dont understand

Well, never one to leave a man behind, I figure I should clear the whole sitch up for him. So back to the bargaining table we go….

Okay, so how about $1700 for the powerbook, and I’ll throw in a free
“massage” for your grandma. Sound good?

J.

Now, perhaps I’m not the most impartial party involved here, but I think that seems like a totally fair swap. Hey, the massage is no small deal…I once took a backrub seminar in college! (Which is a story unto itself: I, having no friends during that period, went by myself and ended up paired with a guy. This guy, as would most college-aged males in a similar situation, completely freaked out about the situation, and had bailed on the class after our lunch break. So, given the now odd number of people in the class, I was paired with another couple. A couple of women. A couple of decidedly lesbian women. Now, as exciting as this situation may sound — rubbing oil all over the backs of rather attractive lesbians — allow me to be the first to claim that it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. Especially if you happen to be a completely socially retarded 19 year old college sophomore who’s such a loser he has to go to a backrub seminar by himself. So, in short, the entire day was spent in excruciating awkwardness, as I ended up touching, intimately, members of the 2 groups of people on the entire planet who would least like to have this sort of thing happen to them: lesbians and dudes. But I digress)

At any rate, apparently this steal of an offer wasn’t good enough for him. No stranger to tough negotiation, this ballbuster fired back with:

what- I can give you $500 cash friday and i can throw in a roland mc505

Now, I don’t know where he got it in his head that I wanted some musical equipment, but obviously we’re having some serious communication issues here.

No. You might have a deal if you throw in your grandmother.
Otherwise the computer is worth about $1700.

J.

Now, at this point I’d like to point out that when I e-mail someone from my Gmail account (which is what I used for this Craig’s List ad), I have what’s called in the business a “signature”. In this case, my signature is simply the address of my website. So, at the end of every e-mail I’ve sent to our heroic computer purchaser, there’s been a link to my site.

I mention this fact about the signature, as it puts his last response to me — a reply to the previous offer of $1700 and his grandmother — in perspective.

damn you suck.
p.s. your website sucks too

I think there’s a message here. And that message is, if you’re on the dance floor, and you’re getting’ freaky, watch out for old ladies with creaky legs.