I’ve always had a soft spot for the Real World. I remember watching the first season at my grandparents place in Florida, back in 1992 (Chico cable didn’t unclude MTV until around 3 years later, just in time for the San Fransisco season). I was completely blown away.

I’ve been pretty much hooked ever since. Or, at least I was, until Landon from the Philadelphia cast pretty much single-handedly ended my interest in the show during his historic run to “biggest fucking douchebag in the history of reality television history”. It was an impressive feat, as he narrowly edged out such luminaries as Matt from Hawaii and David from New Orleans.

The Austin cast — namely Melinda and her collection of slutty black clothing — piqued my interest in the show for a brief moment recently, but in the end even her hot ass didn’t bring enough to the table to make up for Wes and Danny fighting over who’d be numbers 2 and 3 behind Landon in the land of toolsheds (a competition Danny ends up winning in a landslide.)

At any rate, as the show prepares to go into its seventeenth (17th?!) season I figured I’d take a look at where we’ve been, and how far we’ve come. Without further ado…

JeremyAbramson.com™ presents: The Real World, Ultimate Hump List.

Now, some rules about JeremyAbramson.com™ presents: The Real World, Ultimate Hump List.

• We’re taking all aspects of humpability into account here. Looks, attitude, slutiness, brag-factor, etc. So, for example, Kaia fom the Hawaii cast might not be the worst looking woman on the face of the earth, but she loses major points for being a giant retard. By contrast, Julie, from the New Orleans cast, gains points because the idea of defiling a Mormon is somewhat appealing.
• Unless otherwise noted, we’re referring to the way the person looked/acted in their last known TV appearance. So if they appeared on a Challenge or a reunion special, that’s the look we’re discussing, not their original cast appearance.
• I am addmittedly a little weak when it comes to the Back to New York and Philadelphia casts. Mostly because those two seasons were freakin’ horrible.
• I’ve been told, repeatedly, that I have weird taste in chicks.
• This list is very top and bottom heavy. That is to say that there’s a lot of deadweight at the bottom of the list, and a lot of good candidates at the top of the list with a lot of “eh, whatever” in the middle. Therefore, differences in ranking of a spot or two probably don’t mean much, but differences of 10 or more are probably pretty drastic.
• There are 58 candidates. Although it’s debatable whether Lacey from Austin qualifies as female.
• All decisions by the committee (of one) are final.

We’ll just do the last 8 (from 58 to 50) today, and then do more installments, in groups of 10, until we reach number 1.

On to the rankings!

58. Cory Murphy, San Fransisco (Season 3)
Sorry Cory, but someone had to be at the end of the list, and it’s you. This is mostly predicated on your appearance at the reunion special at the end of the London season, when the first 4 casts got together. If the camera puts on 10 pounds, apparently being off of it puts on damn near 40. Also, the “crying constantly for no reason” drill you perfected during your season would get old. Quickly.

57. Montana McGlynn, Boston (Season 6)
This bitch is just crazy. Loses major points for getting all up on Cyrus’ grill when some girl falsely accused him of rape. Apparently, she didn’t quite catch the whole “falsely” part of that whole deal. Also, we all saw the Gauntlet II. Your day is coming, Montana. Of course we all remember her refusing to bungee jump during one of the older challenges, claiming that her “chiropractor” told her not to do anything too strenuous. Her chiropractor? What, were her numerologist and her alchemist on vacay or something? Does she have an entire team of psuedo-medical quacks that advise her on what challenges to participate in? Who the fucks goes to a chiropractor? More importantly, who the fuck cares what a chiropractor has to say about anything, much less your health and general well-being? And besides, being named after a Vonnegut character is just really fucking pretentious.

56. Heather B., New York (Season 1)
Now, I love “The Bridge is Over” as much as the next guy. Actually, I probably love it more than the next guy, as the next guy has probably never even heard it. But being in Boogie Down Productions fifteen years ago really isn’t enough to make up for the fact that yous just aint all that bangin’, Heather. Besides, that “I was raped, I was raped” rap was pretty damn whack. Not quite Adam from Paris’ “I will not hide…my family pride”-level whack, but still pretty bad.

55. Cynthia Roberts, Miami (Season 5)
Nothing really bad to say here, although during her season it was pretty lame of her to keep stringing along dudes she didn’t like, just so she’d have someone to take her out. I just aint down with a girl who says “I looooove sex. Love it. But there’s a line I gotta draw….” more than anything else.

54. Kaia Beck, Hawaii (Season 8)
Complete nutjob. Said during the casting special (which they greatly expanded for her season) that she “could pretty much have any guy she wanted”. Except me. And those of us among the “sighted” community. And dudes that live around a lot of healthy livestock. And gay dudes. Other than that, I’m sure she’s got her pick. Her whole “I can’t give you a poem because I wouldn’t own the copyright to it” during her reunion show was pretty lame too. And what’s with leaving Amaya high and dry when Amaya thought she had the herp?

53. Nicole Jackson, Back to New York (Season 10)
On the short list of castmembers that made the least impact and got the least screen time (along with Lars from London, Sarah from Miami and Rebecca from Seattle). Do you even remember her? She’s really only known as either “The chick who couldn’t pronounce ‘Arista’ correctly”, or “The black chick that wasn’t Coral.”

52. Lacey Buehler, Austin (Season 16)
Pound for pound, really should rank worse on this list, but gets points for being a seemingly decent human being. Also gets points for dating a dude in a wheelchair. There’s a joke in there about being a “dead fish” in bed, but I’m really not the sort to make it. Okay, I am. But I’m not going to.

51. Melissa Howard, New Orleans (Season 9)
She’s short. She’s not particularly attractive. She doesn’t really seem to bring much to the table. She does, however, get points for that “grab the boobs…and the butt” thing she did when she got shitfaced and tried to seduce Jaimie. But all in all she just seemed like what I consider the worst type of woman: loud and unattractive. One or the other is fine. Both in the same package is unbearable.

So there you have it…the first installment of JeremyAbramson.com™ presents: The Real World, Ultimate Hump List. Stay tuned for the rest of the list!